Discovering Myself

I know I’m hurting, but I feel like I did not handle Stephen well when it all came to a head. He’s not a bad person, he’s just selfish and going down a spiral towards destruction. Maybe I am angry with him about that, but that is what addicts do. They become selfish, they justify their actions, and they don’t believe the things they do affect other people.

I guess I still love him, but I need to do this to take care of myself. I am a selfless person, so I need to be a little bit more selfish. Not in a bad way, but in a way in which I learn to take care of my needs first. We’ll see how that goes. It’s not really in my nature so I’ll just do my best. I’m a push over really, so we’ll go from there.

Anyway, just feeling really down because I couldn’t take care of him and keep him safe, but I know that’s not my fault. Still, that’s what’s going on in my head… stupid thoughts!

Place: Mall Chinese Place

Meal: Malibu Chicken with rice and string beans.

Drink: Water

Well, I kind of started getting down yesterday afternoon. I just kept thinking about what is going on inside my head. It doesn’t make any sense. Let’s just say I had a crazy Saturday night.

I am not a drinker, but let me tell ya. I drank WAY too much on Saturday. I went to Blake’s and met up with some friends there. I was drunk by the time they arrived anyway, so it’s fine. I met someone there earlier. He has an interesting sense of humor, but a little off the wall for me. I’m much more laid back that this guy. I was glad when my friends showed up.

Lunch Saturday was great, but I already blogged about that. So go read that one!

Sunday was kind of relaxed, my friend Julie should NOT have gone out into the heat after drinking as much as she did Saturday night. And then skinny dipping and making out with two hotties! Slut! haha Just kidding, she doesn’t usually do that type of things (so she says ).

I did not really parttake in too much of those festivities. I watched silently. I was bare for a moment or two, but then requested to get my undies back so that I didn’t feel so naked… hahaha

It was fun though. I’m a little more reserved than those folks. I’m sure Stephen is drinking himself into a coma or smoking enough pot to never see reality again, but that’s his choice. I love him, but I can’t help him and I don’t need to worry about him when he doesn’t care. His thoughts were always, but I’m not doing anything to you. Fucking ass, of course your doing it to me. Waiting up until 4am for you to get home, wondering if you got arrested, in a wreck, or whatever else because you get blackout drunk and then drive. STUPID!

I am sleeping better these days. Although, apparently I need more sleep, I’ve been exhausted!

Anywho, back to work for me! Lunch is over!